My Rainbow Baby

I'm excited to announce that Jackson Mitchell has an official due date of Tuesday, August 27th. My real due date was scheduled for September 12th, but my doctor thinks it is best to induce me a couple of weeks early to avoid any complications or issues like we had with Maddie. I'm all for it because it means I don't have to be pregnant as long and I get to meet my little guy sooner. We had another sonogram yesterday to check everything from Jackson's growth to fluid levels to placenta placement and umbilical cord flow. Everything is looking amazing so far and Jackson is already 5 lbs. 1 oz.! He is currently in the 75th% for weight, but luckily he is only in the 50th% for head size...hopefully it stays that way ;-). I am so thrilled for this Rainbow Baby and the days can't go by quickly enough.

That being said, we are nearing Madeline's birthday...it will be 1 year that we lost Maddie on August 14th. I can hardly believe it has been a whole year since my world came crumbling down around me. This year has been a constant roller coaster of emotions and I'm just glad we are almost through it. I know that Jackson won't be able to replace my Maddie, but I am hopeful that having him will help ease the pain just a little. If I have learned anything from this experience, it is to hold those you love extremely close to you and cherish every moment with them. Life here on earth is but a brief moment in the grand scheme of things. It makes me sad to think about leaving my children here on earth in the future, but I know I will be reunited with Maddie and others that I love so dearly.

Lately I have been feeling a little bit guilty because I feel like I have been so focused on James and Jackson that I have forgotten about Maddie. Of course I haven't actually forgotten about her, but part of me tries not to think about her and focus on the here and now because I don't want to hurt anymore. We just recently put away her clothes and bedding and other items I had bought for her, but I have yet to change the nursery or even take down the little sign I made for her door that says "Maddie's Room". I just can't bring myself to do it. I know I'll have to do it soon enough once Jackson is here, but I'll probably put it off as long as I can. Maybe once he's here I can come to terms with it even more, but only time will tell. I recently found a quote on another baby-loss mother's blog and it helps put things in perspective for me:

"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

I look forward to holding my Rainbow baby soon and celebrating my little girls birthday. Maddie, you will always be in my heart sweet baby girl.