August 14th 2012 was the worst day of my life...it was the day we learned we lost our precious baby Madeline. It has taken me over a month to find the strength and courage to write this post and even as I type through blurred vision I question whether or not I can do it, but here goes nothing...
After nine months of anticipation we headed to our last OB appointment thinking we would be scheduling my induction since I was two days over my due date. I was a little nervous because I didn't really feel Maddie moving much the couple of days leading up to the appointment, but I figured she just didn't have room to move around since it was at the end of the pregnancy and my husband assured me that I had the same fears towards the end of my pregnancy with James (our first son). So the appointment went ahead as usual and when the doctor pulled out the pocket doppler, I waited anxiously to hear her heartbeat...nothing. The doctor wasn't really worried, just said that sometimes it's hard to find with the pocket dopplers, so she went to get the large portable ultrasound. But I was worried...we've never had a problem finding her heartbeat with the pocket doppler at any other appointment, why would it be any different this time. As I waited anxiously, my husband tried to calm my nerves, but they couldn't be assuaged. The doctor came back with the large portable ultrasound and as she searched for the heartbeat over about a minute, my heart sank. In that moment my world crumbled around me and I knew that my precious baby girl was gone.
I have been through my fair share of tragedy in my life...I lost my mother when I was a young girl, lost my grandmother when I was 21, and lost my second baby at 11 weeks, but nothing can compare to the pain I felt that day. The worst part was that it wasn't even close to over. I now had to give birth to my beautiful daughter knowing that she was already gone. Up until this point, I thought losing a child through a miscarriage was the most painful loss I would have to experience. I could never fathom the immense pain and sorrow I would have to endure within a year's time frame. They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger...well if that's the case, I don't want to be strong. No one, absolutely no one, should have to go through this tragedy. As we headed to the hospital, I kept cursing God and asking him why. They lead us to a room at the end of the hall, marked with a white rose on the door, which I later learned was to let the staff know there was a loss of a baby. As they prepped me and got me ready for delivery, my parents and brother and sister-in-law showed up for support. I'm not sure what I would have done without them or my husband. Everyone else was grieving just as much as me that day, but everyone, particularly my husband, was my rock. They helped get me through the hours of that horrendous day as I waited for them to tell me it was time to push. Finally it was time...as my family filtered out of the room to allow my husband and I to be alone, I found myself wishing I could go with them. Wishing I could be on the other side of this tragedy, wishing this was all just a nightmare. Unfortunately, that was not the case and it was time to give birth to my baby Madeline. At roughly 6 pm on August 14th, 2012 my precious baby girl Madeline Diann was born weighing 5 lbs 7 oz. As I held her for the first time, I thought of what this moment was supposed to be like. It was supposed to be a joyous occasion to celebrate with my family and instead it was the worst moment of my life. It was supposed to be my special bonding time with my beautiful baby girl, supposed to be a celebration of life, not a devastation of death.
The next hour or so was a complete blur. My family came in to see Madeline...we prayed, we cried, we held that precious baby and dreamt of what might of been. They came in and took her away to clean her up and make impressions of her little hands and feet. They brought her back one last time dressed in a little pink crocheted dress for us to hold one last time. As I held my lifeless baby for the last time, all I could say is, "This isn't fair...it just isn't fair...why us? Why Maddie?" I know we will never know the answers to those questions, which is beyond frustrating. Maybe God was actually protecting us from something worse, like if she would have ended up having a terminal disease or something. The doctors still don't know exactly what went wrong. I didn't have a placental eruption or anything...in fact we thought everything was going along great. The only thing they did find was a blood clot in the umbilical cord and it was wrapped around her neck. They have no way of knowing if the blood clot caused her death or if it occurred after she was already gone. The only silver lining of that is that I should be able to have other children without complication, but I will always be plagued with fear that something catastrophic is going to happen. My husband tells me I shouldn't be scared and that I should never feel responsible for Maddie's passing, but it's hard to avoid those feelings. I am her mother, I was supposed to protect her and keep her safe. I let her down and I don't know if I could handle letting another one of my children down like that again.
A day later we were discharged from the hospital and as we left I saw a woman being wheeled out carrying her newborn baby girl with all of the gifts and flowers in tow. Unfair as it is, I felt complete anger towards her. I was angry that as she sat there smiling and holding her newborn baby, I was grieving the loss of mine. That was supposed to be me, not her. I know it isn't right to have those feelings, but unless you've been through a loss like this it's impossible to understand. We got out of that hospital as fast as we could and headed home to start the funeral preparations. The second worst day of my life was when we laid Maddie to rest. August 20th at 11 am we had a small service for her at Sunset Memorial in Babyland. Not 20 feet away, my older brother James Michael, who passed in 1978 was buried. My father and mother had gone through this same tragedy all those years ago. Now we were back in the same place to lay their granddaugther to rest. How cruel and depressing this world can be.
In the weeks that followed, the amount of love and support we received from friends and family has been overwhelming. I cannot express how appreciative we are of all of the wonderful people in our lives. That uplifting support and my husband and son have been the only things getting me through the days. They say that time heals all...although I can say each day does get a little better, I am still waiting for that. I have good days and bad days. Some days I can go all day without crying, some days I wake up crying and don't stop. As horrible as this experience has been for me, it has made me appreciate my family that much more. I am truly blessed to have a beautiful baby boy (although he's not really a baby anymore, he's almost 4!) and the most loving and supportive husband a girl could ask for. Without them I don't know if I could have made it through this tragedy. We look forward to the day we can have another baby and fill this enormous void in our lives. Hopefully that day will come soon...
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| Our precious baby Madeline Diann |
