The pain of a loss

I have been struggling with whether or not to write a blog post about this, but here goes. As some of you may have known I recently found out I was pregnant with my second child. We were thrilled because we have been trying to get pregnant for about 9 months. I was very surprised it happened since it seemed to be taking so long and was actually banking on not being pregnant. You see, I took the test the day we were leaving for a friend’s birthday weekend at the lake. I knew there would be some alcohol being consumed that weekend and I wanted to be sure I wasn't pregnant in order to partake in the alcohol consumption. To our surprise, I was most definitely pregnant. I was of course incredibly thrilled, but also a little bummed I couldn't drink that weekend. Se la vie.

After returning from the eventful weekend (and it was eventful to say the least, but that's a story for another day), we scheduled our first doctor's appointment and waited for the day to come to see our new little bean's heartbeat. At roughly 8 1/2 weeks we went to see the doctor and have the first ultrasound. As the procedure began I anxiously waited to see my little bean, but after looking and looking, we couldn't see anything but the sack. The doctor said it was nothing to worry about and I probably was just earlier in the pregnancy than we thought. So we scheduled another ultrasound for two weeks later.

Five days before my ultrasound was scheduled I began spotting, but thought nothing of it. I had had this same thing occur with my first pregnancy and as everyone has seen I have a completely healthy baby boy from that one. Day two of spotting was slightly heavier and there was mild cramping. Everything I read said it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong, so I continued to think it was nothing and just convinced myself to wait until the upcoming doctor's appointment to voice my concern. Day three came with a lot more bleeding and stronger cramps. My husband finally convinced me that we should go to the ER. I just kept praying that it was some other abnormality and that my baby was fine, but deep down I think I knew. After a sonogram and nearly 7 hours in the ER it was determined that I had a miscarriage. I was in disbelief. How could I have a miscarriage when my first pregnancy was so completely problem- free? I was shocked to learn that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I had no idea the risk was so high.

We were incredibly saddened by this news. I guess the only consolation is knowing that it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and my body knew that. My body knew better than to let it go on. I'm also glad that I never heard the heartbeat or saw the fetus. I think if I had done either of those, it would have made this that much harder. I am already blessed with a beautiful son and feel confident that I will be able to conceive another wonderful child. This has not been easy by any means, but I believe it will make my husband and I that much stronger as parents. I'm not writing this to depress anyone or to seek sympathy. Instead I am using it as a therapeutic outlet for myself. Thank you for taking the time to read this and as my husband always says, "Sometimes the only sense of life you can make is a sense of humor," so keep smiling and laughing everyone. :-)