Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The pain of a loss

I have been struggling with whether or not to write a blog post about this, but here goes. As some of you may have known I recently found out I was pregnant with my second child. We were thrilled because we have been trying to get pregnant for about 9 months. I was very surprised it happened since it seemed to be taking so long and was actually banking on not being pregnant. You see, I took the test the day we were leaving for a friend’s birthday weekend at the lake. I knew there would be some alcohol being consumed that weekend and I wanted to be sure I wasn't pregnant in order to partake in the alcohol consumption. To our surprise, I was most definitely pregnant. I was of course incredibly thrilled, but also a little bummed I couldn't drink that weekend. Se la vie.

After returning from the eventful weekend (and it was eventful to say the least, but that's a story for another day), we scheduled our first doctor's appointment and waited for the day to come to see our new little bean's heartbeat. At roughly 8 1/2 weeks we went to see the doctor and have the first ultrasound. As the procedure began I anxiously waited to see my little bean, but after looking and looking, we couldn't see anything but the sack. The doctor said it was nothing to worry about and I probably was just earlier in the pregnancy than we thought. So we scheduled another ultrasound for two weeks later.

Five days before my ultrasound was scheduled I began spotting, but thought nothing of it. I had had this same thing occur with my first pregnancy and as everyone has seen I have a completely healthy baby boy from that one. Day two of spotting was slightly heavier and there was mild cramping. Everything I read said it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong, so I continued to think it was nothing and just convinced myself to wait until the upcoming doctor's appointment to voice my concern. Day three came with a lot more bleeding and stronger cramps. My husband finally convinced me that we should go to the ER. I just kept praying that it was some other abnormality and that my baby was fine, but deep down I think I knew. After a sonogram and nearly 7 hours in the ER it was determined that I had a miscarriage. I was in disbelief. How could I have a miscarriage when my first pregnancy was so completely problem- free? I was shocked to learn that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I had no idea the risk was so high.

We were incredibly saddened by this news. I guess the only consolation is knowing that it wasn't a healthy pregnancy and my body knew that. My body knew better than to let it go on. I'm also glad that I never heard the heartbeat or saw the fetus. I think if I had done either of those, it would have made this that much harder. I am already blessed with a beautiful son and feel confident that I will be able to conceive another wonderful child. This has not been easy by any means, but I believe it will make my husband and I that much stronger as parents. I'm not writing this to depress anyone or to seek sympathy. Instead I am using it as a therapeutic outlet for myself. Thank you for taking the time to read this and as my husband always says, "Sometimes the only sense of life you can make is a sense of humor," so keep smiling and laughing everyone. :-)

6 comments:

  1. Dani: I am so sorry to hear this and am sending you virtual hugs. Though, I too believe that you will be able to have another child. If it helps, I have a friend who went through multiple miscarriages before having her first child. She now has three. :-) You both are strong, loving people.

    We are always thinking of you, we miss you, and we love You, Mike and James. I think I'll open a bottle of wine just for you tonight, and toast to the wonderful family you have (and the friendship we share). :-) And remember, you can call me anytime!

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  2. Thanks Rachel, I appreaciate it. Hope y'all are doing well. We miss you all very much. Take care!

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  3. Dani-

    You are very strong to share this. I am so sorry for your loss, but God has a plan for you all and I am sure better days are ahead.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your story, Dee, because I've included your expanding family in my prayers a lot lately! I know that you are of sound mind, and for such a wonderful person to go through something this difficult, I commend you and your hubby for having the "try, try again" disposition. I'm thankful for the fact that you don't continue to physically suffer now to keep this baby healthy, and that you've found the voice within yourself to blog about it. Although I know that you will neither forget nor regret the day you spent in the hospital with James and then this little glimmer of hope, you know you're in the great hands of God. And Mike.

    Much Love,
    Court

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  5. Dani,
    So sorry to hear. I understand your feelings. We lost a baby right before our pregnancy with Ronan. We also tried for almost a year to conceive. I found it shocking, since getting pregnant with Naomi didn't take any effort. Keep your faith. God knows what you want and he is going to do best for you. That's what I always told myself during the rough stuff. You can email me anytime if you would like to talk.
    Jen

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